Carol's Life Journey

今天是青年主日，在过去的青年周让我更认识了上帝的圣洁。虽然男女关系的讲员不是很好，但是其他天却有不一样的领受。过去的一个星期可能太忙了，结果突然间空下来反而有点空虚感。最近胖了很多😢跟Angelyn聊了一点，才知道原来她的家庭、她的感情。我是否曾为我的另一半祷告呢？应该没有吧？是要祷告让神掌权了。。。。。。等下执委开会加油！

回来后感觉都很忙，两个月了！这次的放假难得没有回家，怕心累，也怕以后离不开家，对自己是个挑战、也是个尝试。得知他们在一起后，起初感觉很难过，但后来发现到竟然能跟他好好讲话。原来就只是喜欢。。。也是时候放下了。忙了天昏地暗的营会终于告一段落了。当中的详情有机会再写。这个星期是毕业季。看着每个senior毕业，心想我的大学生涯也快要完了，且珍惜吧！今天看到他们一起庆祝生日，心想我到底是不是个好领袖；而答案，呼之欲出，原来我少了最重要的一个，一颗爱人的心。或许，当初的决定是错的吧！昨天突然间很emo,好想找个肩膀哭一场，但才发现到，连一个可靠的肩膀也没有。算了，靠上帝吧~ 不是我不要找个肩膀靠，而是没有一个可靠的肩膀给我靠，连一个能够倾述的对象也没有。希望自己有时间充充电，下个星期吧。。。

今天又要出去读书了！😡原以为已经适应了，没想到还是一样舍不得。这两个月多的假期，很多时候都是很负面的情绪、常跟老妈吵架、冷战。。。（虽然有时候讲的话真的很难听），但是我要感谢上帝对我的爱，让我能够有这样的父母，那么爱我、疼我的父母。看着以为是夕下太阳的初升月亮、那个灯华初升的熟悉住宅区、想着家里还来不及道别的猫猫狗狗、遗忘在家里的枕头书包。。。。。。忙碌的新学年即将开始，一切加油吧！

  这几天看完了这部戏，发现自己也变花痴了 ( 或者说是中了甜言蜜语的毒 ) ！！！肖奈好会撩薇薇呀！看了都觉得很甜（撒花、撒爱心）。最近一直在想着要开始谈恋爱，不晓得自己的情路以后会怎样？人真的能够爱自己的另一半一生一世吗？我不是很相信天长地久的爱情。当彼此之间的爱情被现实的生活所磨灭后，即使一些鸡毛蒜皮的事情都可以是分手的理由。爱？很抽象、很虚无、也很无奈。。。。。。我不懂现在我到底爱我的家人、我的朋友、我身边的人吗？很常我都觉得自己很冷血、很没有同情心，可是我也不想啊 ! 老妈总是说我懒惰、说我各种难听的话，有时候听了都很心痛、很想在这个世界上消失，但可悲的是我连消失的勇气都没有，很讽刺吧 ! 很常这时候我会想 : 我存在的意义到底是什么？我回来这个家到底意义在哪里？我真的不知道。这次回来，发现自己并不开始恋这个家，就连放假都不想回来了，因为真的回来没有意义。如果，我从这个世界上消失的话就好了 ~ 不用回信息、不用烦恼这么多。。。到底我存在在这个世界的意义到底是什么呢？

This is my second appeal rejected by the kk....am I steady?not too over worried compare to others? I don't know. I had written a letter to Master, though he may look it like a passerby message (who know...) Today is Anson's birthday, but none of our family members celebrate it for him. Not because we don't want to do so, but the problem was himself. I feel like no more love in this home, no one seems to take very care about each other. It really seems like the family is broken into pieces. We seldom spend times with our family, no matter among our siblings or with our parents. I really don't like the presence of communication technology especially in this era that everyone is "low head community". Many of them said they were hardly found me, especially during the holiday. I admit it because I am lazy to reply others message or anything that need me to make the decisions. PS, DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEBoDY WHO HAD RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE?

发觉自己很恐怖！今天的讲道关于扫罗的一生，因为急躁、贪婪和嫉妒，导致这个以色列的第一个国王晚年悲惨，最后自杀。今天的道好像是上帝要告诉我一些话，无论是在家里、或是侍奉上。。。我和上帝的关系越来越远，好像越来越没力了。这次放假回来，感觉好像变得没有意义了，想要快点过去，可能是因为我对这个家失望了吧。老妈感觉像是在利用我，需要人家陪还是做什么事的时候才理你，真现实！少说话吧，就少被骂，反正我每次讲话几乎都被骂😩对呀，我也凭什么要求买电话、买电脑呢？我又不会撒娇、不会说话、只会惹人生气、又懒惰。。。。。。。。。。。。。。希望快点过去，到明年回来，因为你的回来已经没有任何意义了😑我讨厌whatsapp!讨厌messenger!讨厌人家找我！真的很想放下所有的职务，什么都不要做。。。。。。。。。 心很累！有一瞬间想什么事情都不管，只想逃避这一切。。。希望这种抒发压力的方法能够奏效。7月就这样完了，这个月只过得浑浑噩噩的，好像生活没了真正的目标。想到要处理这么多的事情，心就很累。。。

Florence was left UM yesterday.  I thought that it will just be a usual and normal farewell, but guess! I was feeling reluctant to part with her. She is indeed a good mentor to me especially in my serving in church and relationship with God.  I really thank God that He had sent her to be with us in KK9. Waiting to see her again in October. It was crazy that we were going to sing K during our exam.  It was first and last time Florence sing K at here, so I think it is worthy. And the result of sing K in the midnight was that I was having a severe headache. Hmmm.... Yesterday was driving me crazy. I still have a lot of topics haven't covered up but I was so call admired with my calm and steadiness that I can prepare my Computer Programming in the last minutes... It is really a bad habit. During Sunday night Peter CG Dinner, we share about the guys that we admired.  I say was him and another spiritual senior from Berea. Finally, I can say it out.  It was enough for me to have him in o

I had lost almost 1/4 of my final marks for my ODE.  Blaming myself why I do not read through the question earlier though I knew that the questions will come out.Feeling down and sad. Pray that God will help me go out through this. Tomorrow still have a paper to go...The worst is that I haven't revised the paper for next week... Will be a hectic exam week... First time going Penang and also cross the Penang bridges, feeling amazing and excited. 去了这个圣经辅导后， 才知道原来并不是每间教会都是用圣经辅导，也看到教会现在已经渗入一些世俗心理学来解决问题。是否大家并未警醒呢？现今教会是否为了迎合会众的"口味"而忽略了圣经的全能性及全威性？这几天也学到了很多东西。在沟通处理的工作坊，让我想到当时那件事对我们整个家、爸爸、妈妈、甚至是我自己都带来了伤害。当我站在一方时，我未曾考虑过另一方的感受，而带来了伤害。很多时候我也在言语上无意或刻意对某些人造成了伤害而不自知，求主怜悯我，教导我要如何管教我的口舌，说出造就人的话，并且用爱心说诚实话。这三天两夜的圣经辅导营也对我带来了很多学习，更渴慕上帝的话语。求主继续带领我，让我能够把这次的学习分享出去，帮助更多人。

Today is the day after the CPR end. Though this is the first time I lead it, there were many emotions and feeling throughout this CPR. At first, it was really challenging to have it during study week, as this would be an uneasy and busy study week for me. At the moment I wrote this blog, I still haven't prepared for my final yet...Feel missing to the CPR, even we had had a marathon meeting for 3 days long, but thank God that we had a good fellowship and get well known to each other more. This morning received a message from Samuel about what he thought I was dissatisfied with him. But who know, actually both of us have the same feeling. I am thinking the same way as well, that he is not dissatisfied with me. Maybe I should be more tolerate to him, and think before I say, for what we say from our mouth must benefit the others. I really thank him for voicing it out. God knows what I am thinking and worry about. But I believe that in God I can do anything that He wants me to do for Hi